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  1. #11
    SmartAss Answer No 4

    A lady was picking through frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

    She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

    The assistant replied "I'm affraid not, they're dead."

  2. #12
    SmartAss Answer No 3

    The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

    "I've been waiting for you all day," the bobby said.

    The kid replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as I could."

  3. #13
    SmartAss Answer No2

    A lorry driver was driving along a road.
    A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead.'

    Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

    Cars are backed up for miles.

    Finally, a police car comes up.

    The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

    And said to the driver "Got stuck, eh?"

    The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel."

  4. #14
    SmartAss Answer No1

    A teacher at a polytechnic colledge reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

    "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow, I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."

    A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

    The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
    When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

    "Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand".

  5. #15
    Site Owner Armorbeast's Avatar
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    Lol... good one's John

    A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious.
    On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
    The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
    We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.
    And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.
    So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!
    He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"
    "And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."




  6. #16
    Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed
    Him "playing church" with their cat.

    He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching
    to it. She smiled and went about her work.

    A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing
    and ran back To the open window to see Johnny
    baptizing the cat in a tub of water.

    She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is
    afraid of water!"

    Johnny looked up at her and said,
    "He should have thought about that before he joined
    my church."
    *****The blood, cuts, bruises and broken bones will eventually heal, but the glory will last forever..****

  7. #17
    Hump Day Joke…..hope you have a great day and enjoy the joke….
    Liz and her husband David went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

    When asked what the problem was, Liz went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

    She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

    Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Liz to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband David watched with a raised eyebrow!

    Liz quietly buttoned up her blouse, and sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

    The therapist turned to David and said, ‘This is what your wife needs at least three times a week’.

    David thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'
    *****The blood, cuts, bruises and broken bones will eventually heal, but the glory will last forever..****

  8. #18
    Shapeshifters AmirA's Avatar
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    Jul 2008
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    South Africa
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    An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was
    fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

    "Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why, in
    Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes
    out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will
    buy the 5th drink for you."

    "Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there
    will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

    "Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's
    O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy
    you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had
    enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on
    the house."

    "Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

    "Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to
    me sister."

    :OMG:
    Mistress of Damnation ~ A freak like me, just needs infinity!

  9. #19
    MasterWolf
    Guest
    man asks "what is closer, the moon or Florida?"

    blond answers "well duh, you can see the moon from here, you can't see Florida!"

  10. #20
    Shapeshifters AmirA's Avatar
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    This is by far the best Traffic cop joke in years.

    While I was driving down the N1 the other day, (going a little faster
    than I Should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a
    traffic-cop on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.

    The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
    patronizing smirk, asked: "Runway too short?"

    To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

    To which he asked, "What do you do?"

    "I'm a rectum-stretcher," I responded.

    The traffic cop was surprised and confused. "A what? A
    rectum-stretcher??"

    And just what does a rectum-stretcher do?" "Well," I said, "I start
    by inserting one finger into a rectum, then I work my way up to two
    fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side
    to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
    stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

    Then the cop asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do
    you do with a six-foot asshole?"

    To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him
    behind A bridge..."

    Speeding ticket: R250.00
    Court costs: R1000.00
    Look on traffic cop's face: P R I C E L E S S .

    :OMG:
    Mistress of Damnation ~ A freak like me, just needs infinity!

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